Friday 5 November 2010
Fireworks
Fireworks. I like fireworks. Im told I have liked fireworks since I was about 16 months old. Since the first time I saw fireworks in my pram. Whenever I see fireworks I feel really excited, they make me feel sad and happy at one time. They make everything matter incredibly and not at all. I don't know why, but those random explosions and flashes of light make the world not a thing that I care about anymore but also something that I love infinitesimally. The other thing they do is make me feel very lonely. I have watched firework displays amongst family and freinds alike, and each time it is like I am stood by myself in a dark space below lights and loud noises. I have seen huge displays with over 5000 people watching with me, and still could have been the only person alive for miles for how I felt. I have no idea where this feeling comes from, or why, but it is there. The only thing I know for certain about it is that there are infinitely worse feelings available.
Thursday 4 November 2010
Sorry... What's going on...?
Know your place. I don't mean that you must know exactly at any given point in a room how much more or less than anyone else you earn, or how much stronger or more intelligent you are than any other party, but instead that knowing what you should do at a given point is perhaps among the most difficult things in your adult life. Or maybe that's just me...
When I worked selling newspapers from a trailer at a carboot sale I knew what I needed to do at any point. This is largely thanks to the fact that it is a perilously simple job. But, while at college at the same time, I was all at once unsure not just what I should be doing in my lessons, or what was expected of me in terms of behaviour or homework, but also in terms of social interactions. Social interactions or talking to people, and dealing with them accordingly. The term social interactions sounds quite scientific, and I think you can in fact make a few scientific leaps of faith and thought when it comes to dealing with people. Please note: I use the phrase "dealing with people" an awful lot here, and it does not necessarily mean dispatching them, or making some sort of arrangement, but simply talking, or being around, or having a part conversation. Basically any form of interaction at all. But it was while at college that I learned the first parts of small talk. This is something I now know that I can do, and for the most part choose not to do. The reason being that I can quite happily sit in silence with a perfect stranger, and would in fact rather that than make small talk. Small talk seems nothing more to me than the useless waste of good breathing air. I will either ask you a question that has meaning to me or fail to ask you anything at all. If something has had a prevalent place in my mind for the last while I may choose to share it. Based mostly on whether or not I think you will appreciate the thought. If I do not, then silence will again ensue.
I have recently started working with children, teaching them a modern version of the bike proficiency actually. This is good for me. For most of my day I am surrounded by children of around 10 who's minds have not yet been forced to conform by whatever feature of society it is that tailors us all into symbiotic followers of fashion. This is highly enjoyable. Partly because children on the whole do not understand small talk, and so don't make it, and partly because they havnt been trained into not saying "big talk" with people they little know. A typical example of this is that at every new school I visit I get asked differing questions about my beard, and my many ear rings. Some think they are "cool" and others think they are "weird" but most are just happy to speak to an adult who answers their random questions like they are normal. I also enjoy this job as it gives me chance to ride my bike a startling amount, often by myself for long periods either commuting or scouting new areas before taking the children there. I like how each child has a completely new and separate view of the world, and sees not like I do, nor like you do, but in their own unique way. The children I have met so far have been gloriously unfettered by prejudice, and willing to accept new ideas much more quickly than any adults I have ever met. This fills me with hope for the future.
But with this job, as I am for the most part left to my own devices, I regularly start to wonder if I am in the right place, or doing the right thing. Is this what I am supposed to be doing now? Should I do that today or tomorrow? Do I need to mention that or not? This in itself is a small worry for me. I know bikes, and I know roads and road users. It has been proclaimed to me before that "all car and road users need to be treated as idiots to ensure safety..." I don't think this entirely true. I think that "all road users are idiots, and most have homicidal tendencies, there is no hope for safety." but we can make ourselves better protected by various means, and some of those are what I impart to the children I work with. No, the big worry for me is when I phone people to make arrangements or bump into school teachers and other staff who try to make small talk with me. In my normal practice I would just ignore them, but now I cant. I need to say something or they will mark me as a lunatic and stop me teaching. Which I don't want.
The point I'm wandering around without really making is that most of the time I don't have a clue what is going on, where I need to be, or what I need to do. Subsequently I am amazed that I have made it this far in life. But as long as it works, keep going right...?
When I worked selling newspapers from a trailer at a carboot sale I knew what I needed to do at any point. This is largely thanks to the fact that it is a perilously simple job. But, while at college at the same time, I was all at once unsure not just what I should be doing in my lessons, or what was expected of me in terms of behaviour or homework, but also in terms of social interactions. Social interactions or talking to people, and dealing with them accordingly. The term social interactions sounds quite scientific, and I think you can in fact make a few scientific leaps of faith and thought when it comes to dealing with people. Please note: I use the phrase "dealing with people" an awful lot here, and it does not necessarily mean dispatching them, or making some sort of arrangement, but simply talking, or being around, or having a part conversation. Basically any form of interaction at all. But it was while at college that I learned the first parts of small talk. This is something I now know that I can do, and for the most part choose not to do. The reason being that I can quite happily sit in silence with a perfect stranger, and would in fact rather that than make small talk. Small talk seems nothing more to me than the useless waste of good breathing air. I will either ask you a question that has meaning to me or fail to ask you anything at all. If something has had a prevalent place in my mind for the last while I may choose to share it. Based mostly on whether or not I think you will appreciate the thought. If I do not, then silence will again ensue.
I have recently started working with children, teaching them a modern version of the bike proficiency actually. This is good for me. For most of my day I am surrounded by children of around 10 who's minds have not yet been forced to conform by whatever feature of society it is that tailors us all into symbiotic followers of fashion. This is highly enjoyable. Partly because children on the whole do not understand small talk, and so don't make it, and partly because they havnt been trained into not saying "big talk" with people they little know. A typical example of this is that at every new school I visit I get asked differing questions about my beard, and my many ear rings. Some think they are "cool" and others think they are "weird" but most are just happy to speak to an adult who answers their random questions like they are normal. I also enjoy this job as it gives me chance to ride my bike a startling amount, often by myself for long periods either commuting or scouting new areas before taking the children there. I like how each child has a completely new and separate view of the world, and sees not like I do, nor like you do, but in their own unique way. The children I have met so far have been gloriously unfettered by prejudice, and willing to accept new ideas much more quickly than any adults I have ever met. This fills me with hope for the future.
But with this job, as I am for the most part left to my own devices, I regularly start to wonder if I am in the right place, or doing the right thing. Is this what I am supposed to be doing now? Should I do that today or tomorrow? Do I need to mention that or not? This in itself is a small worry for me. I know bikes, and I know roads and road users. It has been proclaimed to me before that "all car and road users need to be treated as idiots to ensure safety..." I don't think this entirely true. I think that "all road users are idiots, and most have homicidal tendencies, there is no hope for safety." but we can make ourselves better protected by various means, and some of those are what I impart to the children I work with. No, the big worry for me is when I phone people to make arrangements or bump into school teachers and other staff who try to make small talk with me. In my normal practice I would just ignore them, but now I cant. I need to say something or they will mark me as a lunatic and stop me teaching. Which I don't want.
The point I'm wandering around without really making is that most of the time I don't have a clue what is going on, where I need to be, or what I need to do. Subsequently I am amazed that I have made it this far in life. But as long as it works, keep going right...?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)